The vicious cycle of resistance to our emotional life
We have a real problem with our emotions. We don’t know what they are. We don’t know how to access them. We are numb and disconnected from this essential part of our humanness. This is an epidemic in the West. We as humans have not received a sound education in how to experience and/or understand emotions and our emotional life. Too many of us are stuck in our heads.
Instead, we have been taught that it is inappropriate to feel our emotions, to express them or even talk about them. We live in a society that values the intellect and the mind. Science and knowledge are revered. We think that our rational mind is our greatest strength; it is also the most dangerous. The intellect is many times the source of our troubles because it traps us into believing a lot of crap that isn’t true.
Many of us were told to hide or suppress our emotions. From a very young age, we were taught that certain emotions were not okay – anger, frustration, fear or sadness. How many times have we heard, “don’t cry or I will give you something to cry about?”, or, “boys don’t cry”, or “be nice and don’t be angry.” To make matters worse, when we did express our emotions, we were often called dramatic, hysterical and overly sensitive. The psychological experience we have about our emotional life is that it is shameful.
Thus, we are set in a vicious cycle and a no-win situation. When we tap into our lost emotions, we encounter the shame that is attached to them. This then triggers the denial and suppression reaction because the shame is painful to feel. This, in turn, creates more shame. We then have the related thoughts of “there must be something wrong with me because I feel this way” or “I shouldn’t feel this way”. We grow up with a seminal negative belief about ourselves that plagues us throughout life.
Emotionally Illiterate
Sadly, we have become a culture of emotionally illiterate people. The research by Brené Brown reveals that we only can name only three emotions – happy, sad and pissed off. However, the same research proves that we need to identify and articulate 30 emotions; and to recognize the accompanying responses in the body.
The importance of this is more and more evident. The ability to accurately recognize and name emotions is key to living a healthy, functional and successful life.
Emotional literacy is at the very core of resilience. When we are connected to our emotions, we are able to manage the unexpected, we can master life, and we are not the victim of overwhelming strong emotions.
We need our emotions to make sense of our lives.
Emotions tell us something
Our emotional life is a fundamental aspect of our lives and our humanity. They are an important component of our information feedback system. Our emotions are a guidance system for life. They tell us about what we are experiencing and help us to know how to react. Emotions move us forward in life – they are energy in motion.
Keys to emotional intelligence
Emotional connection is the ability to not just recognize an emotion, but to feel it. As Daniel Goldman detailed in his book, “Emotional Intelligence”, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and to manage emotions.
People who have strong emotional intelligence know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and the impact that they have on other people. He offers a model of five components that we can follow to master our emotional intelligence.
Self-Awareness – Knowing thy self is essential to our understanding of our emotional life. To master this component, we know our emotions, our strengths, and weakness, what motivates our actions and our values. The hallmark of this trait is the ability, to be honest, both with oneself and with others.
Self-regulation – People with a high degree of emotional intelligence can manage and redirect disruptive emotions and impulses into appropriate forms. At this level, we are not prisoners of our feelings. We find healthy ways to channel our emotions in useful ways.
Motivation – We become internally motivated to achieve things that are important to us. We also know how to transform negative thoughts and our attitude into positive ones.
Empathy – We can recognize how other people feel and consider their feelings when we make decisions. This is a highly valuable trait to possess.
Social skills – We practice good social interpersonal skills. The more emotional intelligence that we have, the more we can be present in our relationships with others.
Questions for Reflection
- It’s springtime and the weather is warm, the birds are out and the flowers are growing. How do you intend to be a gardener in your life? Not in the literal sense, but in what ways are you nurturing and growing aspects of your life?
- It’s common to not be able to always handle our emotions and at times we as humans suppress them. Do you find yourself not expressing how you really feel on a day to day basis? If so, how? The next time someone asks you how you are doing, give them a true answer.
- Think about your day – how many emotions did you feel today? What about yesterday? Did you know you were feeling these emotions at the time or only upon reflection?
- How many of Daniel Goldman’s emotional intelligence traits do you practice regularly? What could you be better at?
If you found this blog helpful to your journey, please consider sharing it on your social media by clicking on the social media icons below. If you have a comment, consider emailing me or leaving a comment below.
Christina Becker
May 2018
Excellent article. I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks