Why intimate relationships are so complicated
In every relationship, there is an interplay of our psychological history, the dynamic nature of our complexes, and projection. This is an inescapable reality of relationship. In Part I, I explored the intricacies of intimate relationship through the poetry of Maya Angelou and the reflections of David Whyte on the shadow. In this blog post, I explore the inevitable process that begins with falling in love to the need to confront power and fear that arise when the shadow is triggered.
Complexes in relationship
Everyone has complexes. A complex is an internalized image that is characterized by a strong emotional reaction. It has a remarkable degree of inner coherence, and therefore acts autonomously outside of our ability to control it. If a complex is very unconscious, then it is projected into the world or on to a partner. The felt experience when we are in a complex is like being possessed by a foreign body or virus. Every complex is like a splinter or fragmentary personality that has us more than we have it.
Complexes originate from childhood experiences, specifically old traumas that are characteristic of an intense emotional experience. When a complex is triggered in us, we find ourselves highly charged emotionally and may have difficulty discerning rationally the exact nature of the situation facing us.
Mostly complexes are unconscious, meaning that they are not easily detectable. They can only be discovered indirectly. We do this by observing behaviour that is curious, puzzling and not easy to explain, and be being in relationship with an intimate other.
Here are some examples of how complexes might behave:
- an irrational belief that effects an individual’s behaviour,
- tendency to make decisions from purely emotional reasons rather than through a more considered reflection from the ego
- compulsive thinking and/or acting;
- projection
If a complex is triggered in an interaction with a partner, then our reactions come from the past and not the present. The intensity of our reaction does not fit with the circumstances. We are baffled by our behaviour or our responses. In How to be an Adult in Relationship, David Richo writes “Only issues that carry the weight of an unresolved, abusive, or still resented past could account for an overreaction” He goes on to suggest that “when the fires of the past flare up again, they seem to have a quality that obstructs the opportunity for compromise or negotiation” In these situations, we are unable to see the reality of our partner, and are therefore incapable of having an authentic conversation that could bring healing to a lost attachment.
Projection in Relationship
The important thing to remember is that projection is natural and it is inevitable. It is a process where we perceive an unconscious aspect of ourselves in an outer object or person. Projections constitute misjudgments about the partner or situation that need to be corrected later when we have more insight. When the psychic energy is overly invested in the projection, we are convinced in the accuracy of our perceptions or judgement, and will vigorously defend against any correction.
All relationships begin with some kind of unconscious projection. They are full of promise, hope and idealism. It is in the initial stages – the so called honeymoon stage – that projection of the ideal is the most active. James Hollis speaks of this as the projection of “the Magical Other”: the one who will redeem past broken relationships, who will read our minds when we are hurt or offended so we don’t have to say anything, the one who will repair our personal history, who will meet our deepest needs, and who will protect us from suffering or being hurt.
At some point, during the initial phrase usually between 3 and 6 months, the shadow emerges needing to be acknowledged and addressed. At this point, the real work of relationship must begin. We must be able to work through relationship breakdowns and confront our own unconscious complexes and projections.
The Problem of Power and Fear
“Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” (C.G Jung)
Once the erosion of projections begins, the shadow side of power and fear in the relationship is revealed. The opposite of Love is fear and a great love will bring with it a great fear.
It is an existential and universal fear of loss, abandonment, being overwhelmed, potential betrayal and hurt. Fear is one of the core emotions from which judgement, punishment, hate, prejudice, greed, stress, paranoia, and all of the many other negative emotions arise.
Fear closes the heart, and opens the door to negative influences within the psyche. At a body level, it triggers our survival mechanism of fight or flight. Depending on the depth of our primal wound, this reflex can be so powerful that we can leave a relationship before we understand the psychological mechanisms of why.
This depth of fear is the legacy of the original powerlessness in the child parent relationship. As children, we develop many relationship strategies to manage the fear and to ensure our survival. Indeed, we construct elaborate defenses and rationalizations to avoid the experience of this primal fear. The original childhood survival strategies emerge like a reflex when the existential fears are touched.
Psychologist Karen Horney (1885-1952) suggests that there are general three ways in which our defenses kick into gear to help us manage this existential fear: submissiveness, power, and flight. In all cases, the fear is projected onto the partner and the defensive strategies are accompanied by plenty of rationalizations to justify the projections.
- Submissiveness – we give over self-interest and power and rationalize it as congeniality and concern for the partner;
- Power and Fight – we are angry and hostile, and seek control over the partner through aggression, punishment or judgement, and we rationalize it by saying that the partner is too self-absorbed.
- Flight – we avoid, isolate and or emotionally hide out and then rationalize it as introversion, or preoccupation with other activities.
Withdrawing Projections
For intimate relationship to survive, to grow and to blossom into a committed loving relationship past the initial honeymoon phase, projections must be withdrawn. James Hollis writes “the otherness of the Other obliges the inner dialectic which can stimulate, and is necessary for, the growth of both parties i.e. “ I am more than me with you, because of you”
Intimate relationship obliges us to recognize the parts of ourselves that are either unknown or disowned; and we must own those parts of ourselves. If the projection constitutes an over-evaluation or over-idealization, then we will grieve the loss of the projection. However, there is also the opportunity to see our partner a new. We are forced to become conscious if we take up the ethical courage to withdraw what has been placed on the partner’s shoulders. In the process, we must ask ourselves the tough questions:
• What is the psychological truth of what is going on between the two of us?
• What have I projected and to what end?
• Who is he/she really?
Closing thoughts
Intimate relationship gives us the incredible opportunity for individuation. At its best, we stand in the presence of the great mystery and are granted a glimpse into eternity. James Hollis writes “soul may be defined here as that energy which wants something of us, which impels up to live up to who we potentially are. Relationship is sacred as an arena for the soul”
May 2015
© Christina Becker 2015
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