“Willing to experience aloneness, I discover connection everywhere. Turning to face my fear, I meet the warrior who lives within.” — Jennifer Welwood
The answer is . . . “It depends”
I have had my share of loneliness. Living in Zurich during my training, there were days when the loneliness was palpable. Being in a foreign country and not speaking the language, I was away from my familiar city, friends, and family. The social isolation was difficult to experience sometimes. Many times, I longed for companionship and connection. I have a deep appreciation for the difficulty immigrants face as they search for a better life. While I needed to actively pursue connection when I was living in Zurich, the answer to my loneliness was to embrace my solitude. For sure, solitude during my analytic training was the recipe for much growth and psychological insight.
Is there a loneliness epidemic?
However, there seems to be a loneliness epidemic. A recent CBC news report suggests that the experience of loneliness is rising, and more and more people say that they suffer from loneliness and are isolated. Surprisingly, even children say that they are lonely. John Cacioppo, a researcher in the field of loneliness, points out that loneliness is on the rise — from 11%to 20 %in the 1970s and 1980s to 40%to 45% in 2010. In Canada, research points to the same findings. Approximately 20% of people identified themselves as being lonely and are more socially isolated. A study conducted by the Toronto Foundation found that knowing our neighbours, the people who live next to us is a rarity rather than the norm. Less than 10% of people know their neighbours, while about 70% of people know a few or none of the people who live around them.
It is puzzling. Our technology – the internet, email, smartphones, and social media – connect each and every one of us with a vast and elaborate social network that puts us in touch with potentially millions of people. An essential and critical element is missing in this technological network that is at our disposal. Our online networks, although they may offer an illusion of connectedness, make us even lonelier and more segregated.
Loneliness has an effect not only on our mental health but also increased incidences of depression, anxiety, and irritability. There are also strong suggestions that there is an impact on our physical well-being. Higher blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity, to name a few
Well-being is tied to connection and belonging
Baya Voce shows us that this is a state which tells us that we are feeling disconnected. Human beings are social creatures and we need to have a connection for our well-being and livelihood. Loneliness is described as “perceived social isolation, or the discrepancy between what you want from your social relationships and your perception of those relationships.” People are often ashamed of feeling lonely, but loneliness is increasingly common: Time Magazine and the Huffington Post recently published articles describing loneliness as a growing public health concern.
Abraham Maslow, (1908-1970) identified that there are certain human needs that are basic to our survival. Belonging and connection are right behind shelter and food. We need to belong. We are hardwired to belong and to experience social connection. Our health and well-being are dependent on having a robust relationship and social support network. Social bonds are one of the strongest predictors of a long, healthy life.
What can we do about it – coping strategies
The important thing about loneliness is that it is a wakeup call. It reminds us that we need a connection or sharing experiences with others. It reminds us that we are human and need human contact. In the U.K, where loneliness has been taken very seriously, it is strongly suggested that taking up a social activity like taking a yoga class, visiting an art gallery or joining a knitting circle is one way to help alleviate the experience. Other possibilities are volunteering, taking up a hobby in a group, finding a class, getting a pet or getting into therapy. Or perhaps something we don’t do enough anymore; pick up the phone and call someone instead of texting.
Jung and Solitude
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.”
– C.G. Jung
Loneliness can also be a call to go inward and seek a connection to ourselves. At a deeper level, loneliness is not completely answerable by increasing outside connection. Some people interviewed for the CBC research said that they had been experiencing loneliness since they were a child and they sought counseling to address this.
As a psychological state, loneliness might suggest that there is an inner situation that needs to be looked at. People often report that there are lots of people around them but yet they still feel lonely. The psychic purpose seems to be the desire to reconnect – but to what extent. As Jung says in Mysterium Coniunctionis “Everyone who becomes conscious of even a fraction of his unconscious gets outside his own time and social stratum into a kind of solitude.”
We can re-frame our loneliness as solitude
Solitude is the experience of being alone but not being loneliness. This is because in the experience of solitude, we connect to being part of a part of something bigger than ourselves and it gives us the opportunity to do the inner work and to get to know ourselves better. In our loneliness, we have an opportunity of connection, but it is a connection to ourselves. It is necessary to be with oneself to understand what we are made of. Developing self-sufficiency and self-discovery are two reasons why experiencing solitude and loneliness are core features of living consciously.
When you submit to your own loneliness you are able to accommodate your loneliness emotionally. Accept the challenge.
Questions for reflection
1) Do you consider yourself a lonely person or a person of solitude and if so, how does it make you feel?
2) What types of coping mechanisms do you utilize when you’re feeling lonely and how do they help or hinder you?
3) Not a question but a challenge; next time you’re feeling lonely, I challenge you to take up one of the suggestions above, perhaps a class or saying “yes” to something you would normally say “no” to. Or, it could be as simple as a phone call instead of a text. Try it, and see how you feel after.
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