Is your emotional river calm?
Emotional intelligence
When our emotional river is calm, we are centered and peaceful. We are aware of, can control, and express our emotions in a coherent way. We are able to handle our interpersonal relationships judiciously and sympathetically. We trust in our ourselves, in our own experience and in our emotional intelligence.
In developing the capacity of emotional intelligence, our lives develop in a generative way. And, there is a direct benefit to our mental health and satisfaction with life. The studies have proven this over and over that our emotions are important and they are essential guides to how we live our life.
David Richo in his book “How to be an adult in relationship” identifies five capacities that are barometers for our emotional intelligence. They are . . .
• ATTENTION is about being aware of another’s needs and feelings through being attuned and present to another’s words and experiences. Giving and receiving attention leads to self-respect.
• ACCEPTANCE connects to how safe we feel in the presence of another. Are our feelings, choices and personal traits received respectfully? Do we offer that in return to others?
• APPRECIATION gives an added depth to acceptance, and involves cultivating gratitude for kindnesses and gifts that we receive.
• AFFECTION reflects being physically close through the realm of touch, and emotionally, through acts of kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness.
• ALLOWING is the capacity to let what is be what it is. This includes letting yourself and the other person be who you are without control, rules, requirements and expectations.
For me, the cultivation of the 5 “A’s” and the emotional intelligence that they provide effects not only our psychological health but our spiritual health as well.
Emotional Regression
The shadow side of emotional intelligence and our experience of being centered, calm and peaceful, is emotional chaos and regression. These are the moments when our emotions are chaotic. We all fall into these pits from time to tome. Then, we are not skillful in identifying or naming what is happening. Our passions and our flight/flight mechanisms override the rational side of our brain. Our emotional river is turbulent. There are rapids. The sludge from our forgotten childhood experiences rise up from the river bed of our psyches to the surface. When there is emotional chaos, we often react out of and return to an earlier stage of development.
We know these moments of anger, frustration, impatience worries, doubt, obsession and insecurity. When they are present, they block us from being in the present and relating lovingly to the people we love and care for. To use Jungian terminology, our complexes rear up their ugly head
We know that fight/flight center of the brain has no language. This powerful brain can suddenly run away with us; we become angry or frightened or upset or frozen. Often we feel ashamed of these parts of ourselves.
According to John Lee, most emotional regression equals regret. What we say or do, what we don’t say or do is contrary to what we intend. We feel badly because we have hurt either ourselves or another. It is the place where all of our attachment wounding lies. When we are overcome by intense emotional reactions – fear, rage, or anger – we are not able to relate to the circumstances at hand. Emotional regression can result in abruptly ending relationships or other actions that lack discernment.
Meditation
Meditation is a wonderful companion to the analytic work. The goals of both are to transform emotional chaos into emotional clarity, peace and intelligence. When we do this, we understand ourselves, our internal motivations, and how our emotions guide us.
Meditation over a long period of time develops the capacity to hold and to witness our emotional systems. It gives us the opportunity to observe how our mind and our emotions work. It increases our capacity to master our emotional experiences, and to be 100% present to and accept what is now.
Christina Becker
October 2016